Grieving at Christmas: How Ritual Helps Us Through the Loneliest Seasons

December carries a particular emotional weight. Streets glow with lights, shops pulse with music, and the world around us seems to agree on one shared message: be joyful. And yet, for many people, the holiday season is one of the hardest times to navigate after someone has died.
Grieving at Christmas can feel like you’re living in two worlds at once. One part of you might reach for moments of connection or celebration, while another part aches with the sharpness of absence. If this is you, you are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with how you feel.

Why grief can intensify during the festive season
Psychologists and bereavement researchers (including Worden, Stroebe & Schut, and the ongoing continuing bonds approach) note that anniversaries, seasonal rituals, and cultural expectations can bring grief into sharper focus. The festive season is particularly potent because it marks:

• The end of a calendar cycle
• Collective rituals around family and togetherness
• Memories tied to past holidays and traditions
• A sense of contrast between inner experience and outer celebration

This tension, the world urging joy while your internal world is carrying pain, often deepens the experience of grief.

Anthropologists such as Arnold van Gennep and later Victor Turner also remind us that humans use ritual at times of transition. December is a natural threshold: symbolic, reflective, and emotionally charged. When someone important is no longer physically present, those symbolic moments underscore the change.

How ritual supports us through lonely seasons
Ritual isn’t just something we “do” at funerals. Ritual is a human instinct, a way of making sense of change, expressing emotions, creating connection, and grounding ourselves. Ritual can be private or communal, simple or symbolic, ancient or deeply personal.

Across cultures and time, ritual has been used to:

• provide structure when life feels chaotic
• honour identity and relationship
• acknowledge transitions
• create space for grief
• support connection and belonging
• soothe the nervous system through repetition

As van Gennep’s rites of passage model suggests, we move through separation → liminality → reintegration. Grief places us firmly in a liminal space, between what was and what is now. Ritual gives us stepping stones across that uncertain ground.

Creating personal rituals for grieving at Christmas
When grief intensifies during the holidays, creating your own rituals can offer comfort, stability, and meaning. These rituals don’t have to be elaborate. They simply need to feel true to you.

Here are gentle ideas you may find supportive:

✨ Light a candle at dusk on Christmas Eve
Let the warm glow represent connection, love, memory, or gratitude, whatever speaks to you. A few moments of silence can be grounding.

✨ Place a meaningful ornament on the tree or in your home
This could be:

• a photo
• a handwritten message
• a small object that symbolises something they loved
• something you craft yourself

Ritualising this act each year can gently honour your enduring relationship.

✨ Create a quiet moment to speak their name
It can be around the dinner table, during a walk, or while looking out at the night sky. Speaking someone’s name is a powerful acknowledgment of their significance.

✨ Play one of their favourite songs
Music connects emotionally and physiologically, studies show it can regulate mood and evoke memory in ways that bring comfort.

✨ Story sharing
Telling stories about someone keeps their impact alive. Many grief researchers now affirm that maintaining an ongoing connection, known as “continuing bonds”, is healthy, normal, and part of remembering.

​✨ Blend old traditions with new ones
Some traditions may feel too painful. Others may be deeply comforting. It’s okay to keep some, adapt others, or create new rituals that reflect how your life has changed.

When joy and grief co-exist
A common concern people share is that laughing, smiling, or enjoying a moment during the holidays might somehow dishonour their pain, or the person who died. But joy arising does not diminish or erase grief. It simply means you are human and capable of holding more than one feeling at a time.

Grief isn’t linear. It’s a companion that ebbs and flows. You can experience warmth, humour, or gratitude even while grieving. It’s not a betrayal of your pain; it’s an expression of your resilience.

If you are supporting someone who’s grieving at Christmas
Your presence can be more healing than any perfect words.
Gentle phrases that help:

• “I’m thinking of you.”
• “This time of year can be tough, I’m here.”
• “Would you like company, or some quiet space?”
• “If you need anything practical done, I’m happy to help.”

Phrases to avoid:

• “Try to enjoy yourself.
• “They’d want you to be happy.”
• “You should come, it will cheer you up.
• “Aren’t you over the worst of it by now?”

Let people feel what they feel, without pressure to be festive or strong.

A gentle reminder for December
If the holiday season feels heavy, you are not doing anything wrong. Grief is part of living, and it shows the depth of your connection. You’re allowed to rest, to step back, to prioritise quiet, or to engage only with what feels manageable. Rituals, no matter how small, can be a source of comfort and anchoring.

May this December bring you moments of softness, a sense of being held by your memories, and the freedom to honour your grief in your own way.

If this blog resonated with you, or if you have your own experiences of navigating grief at Christmas, I’d love to hear from you. Please share your thoughts or stories in the comments below, your voice can help others feel seen and understood.

References

1. Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner (5th ed.). Springer Publishing.
   (Staged tasks of mourning widely used in bereavement theory.)
2. Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement: Rationale and Description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197–224.
   (Explains oscillation between loss-oriented and restoration-oriented coping.)
3. Klass, D., Silverman, P., & Nickman, S. (Eds.). (1996). Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief. Taylor & Francis.
   (Foundational work establishing that maintaining a connection after death is normal and healthy.)
4. van Gennep, A. (1960). The Rites of Passage. University of Chicago Press. (Original work published 1909.)
   (Introduces the separation → liminality → reintegration model.)
5. Turner, V. (1969). The Ritual Process: Structure and Anti-Structure. Aldine Publishing.
   (Expands on van Gennep’s work and explores liminality, communitas, and symbolic action.)
6. Juslin, P. N., & Sloboda, J. A. (Eds.). (2010). Handbook of Music and Emotion: Theory, Research, Applications. Oxford University Press.
   (Research on music as emotional regulation and memory.)
7. Levitin, D. J. (2006). This Is Your Brain on Music: The Science of a Human Obsession. Dutton.
   (Accessible overview of how music influences mood, memory, and emotion.)
8. Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement (ACGB).
   General resources on grief reactions and holiday-related triggers.
9. Grief Australia.
   Educational material on grief, ritual, and coping during significant dates.
10. Hospice UK.
    Guidance on managing grief and emotional triggers around holidays and anniversaries.