A Guide to Getting Hands-On: Reclaiming Your Role in the Funeral Ceremony

image courtesy of 'Dead Good Legacies'

When one of our people dies, many of us feel unsure of what to do - not just emotionally, but practically. It can feel like everything is suddenly in someone else’s hands: the funeral directors, the paperwork, the decisions. And while these professionals have their place, it’s worth remembering that for most of human history, we, the families, friends, neighbours, and communities, cared for our own dead.

We kept vigil. We washed and dressed the body. We dug the grave. We wept, sang, spoke, and carried. We marked the passing together.

Somewhere along the way, we lost much of that knowledge; not just the skills, but the confidence to believe we had the right to be involved.

But that capacity is still there. And reclaiming it can be healing.

Why Involvement Matters

Participating in a funeral ceremony, even in small, quiet ways, helps us feel connected to the person who has died, and to each other. It can transform the funeral from something we simply attend, into something we help create. That act of contribution, however gentle, can shift the experience from passive to personal, from overwhelming to grounding.

Getting hands-on doesn’t mean doing everything. It means allowing yourself, and those around you, to be part of something meaningful. To honour not just the death, but the connection.

Ways You Can Be Involved

There are many ways to participate, and none of them require you to be confident or composed. You only need to be willing. Here are some ways people often choose to take part:

1. Speak, If You Can
A reading, a memory, a toast - it doesn’t have to be perfect. Just real. Whether you write something new or share a favourite piece of writing, speaking is a powerful way to honour the life that was lived. And if you’d prefer, your celebrant can read your words for you.

2. Help Shape the Ceremony
Bring your person’s story into the planning. Suggest music they loved, places that were meaningful, symbols or colours that represent who they were. The ceremony should feel like them, not like a template.

3. Make or Create Something
From decorating the coffin with artwork, flowers or messages, to creating a memory board or photo slideshow, these contributions help express connection through action. Kids can be included too — drawing pictures, tying ribbons, or placing something in the casket.

4. Take on a Physical Role
Carrying the coffin, lighting a candle, handing out programs, or standing beside someone who is speaking; these are acts of care, solidarity, and presence.

Rediscovering what we've always known

The idea that death care belongs only to professionals is a relatively recent one. For centuries, tending to the dead was just part of life. It wasn’t easy, but it was shared. And with the right support, it can be shared again.

You don’t have to be brave or know all the answers. You simply have to be willing to show up - in whatever way feels right for you.

As a celebrant, my role is not to take over, but to walk beside you. I can help guide the process, hold the space, and offer reassurance — while supporting you to be as involved as you want to be.

In Closing

We don’t need to return to the past, but we can learn from it. We can begin to reclaim what was once ours; the knowledge that we are capable of caring for our own, and that being involved is a profoundly human act.

​You might surprise yourself with what you’re able to do - and how much it helps.

Next Steps

If you're wanting a more personal, connected experience when someone close to you dies, I can help. As an independent celebrant, I offer support that honours your capacity, and your choice, to be involved in shaping the ceremony. From gentle guidance to full co-creation, I’m here to walk beside you and help craft something real, grounded, and truly meaningful.

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I’d Love to Hear From You

Have you been involved in creating or delivering a funeral ceremony? What was your experience like? Or maybe you’re considering getting involved and have questions. Drop a comment below, let’s start a conversation, your thoughts are always welcome!

I’m here to help and will respond to every comment.